This week, a big transition happened in my family: my second oldest daughter went off to college in Washington, D.C.
But here’s the twist, I wasn’t the one who dropped her off. My husband took her because I needed to stay home: our oldest daughter is due with a baby any day now (that’s another blog post in itself!). And while all that was happening, I still had two younger kids here at home navigating the first days of their new school year.
It’s a lot. And if I had to sum up how I’ve been feeling, it’s not scared, not worried, not even sad (although I look pretty sad in that picture - I am not an attractive crier as Sza would say). Maybe overwhelmed?
I’ve had a kid move out before, but never this far away. Distance makes this time feel heavier. When they’re just across town, you know you can drop by to visit or give them a hug on a hard day. But when they’re states away, the reality hits, you can’t just pop in. And yet, I’m not drowning in grief. Instead, I’m filled with pride. My daughter has worked so hard for this, and she deserves every bit of the adventure and independence she’s stepping into.
Here’s What I’ve Realized
All the little milestones leading up to this were practice for the big day. Every first step, first sleepover, first time driving away on her own, they were all small rehearsals for learning how to let go. Our children don't belong to us, they are their own being. We get to help them along the way... but their childhood a very small blip. They will be adults for much longer.
Motherhood will crack you open in ways that cannot be put into words.
If you’re a new mom, you might wonder how excitement and pride can still bring tears. The truth is, the tears aren’t always about missing them. Sometimes they’re about being cracked open by love, split wide enough to feel both the ache of goodbye and the thrill of watching them soar.
Motherhood is a paradox:
- We give them roots, so they know where home is.
- We give them wings, so they can fly.
- And when they finally take off, our hearts expand in ways that feel both tender and raw.
That’s the work of motherhood, every milestone is practice for release, and every release cracks us open to hold even more love.
What I Wish I Knew Back When I had Babies
When you first become a mom, that feeling of being cracked open can be scary and confusing. You may even worry that you’re broken...that you’ll never feel whole again.
But over time, you learn that the cracking open isn’t damage. It’s expansion. It’s your heart growing in capacity. And though it can feel overwhelming, it’s actually proof that love is reshaping you into something and someone new.
Here’s what I’ve learned so far:
- You don’t have to name every feeling right away. Sometimes “overwhelmed” is as close as you’ll get. That’s okay.
- Excitement and grief can live side by side. You can be proud and still cry. You can be thrilled for them and still miss them.
- Growth is still hard. Just because a change is good doesn’t mean it won’t shake you. The cracking open is part of the process.
- The milestones are practice. Each “first” prepares both of you for the day you watch them spread their wings.
Roots and Wings
Motherhood never stops reshaping us. Today, my heart is holding daughters in three different transitions, one starting college, one about to become a mother herself, and two younger ones finding their way through the first days of a new school year.
And maybe that’s the point: motherhood isn’t about choosing between roots and wings. It’s about giving both, and then letting ourselves feel every bit of the cracking open when they use them.
Over the years, one thing I always told moms in my childbirth classes was this simple idea: there is no birth math!
What I meant by that is if your contractions took four hours to get you to 3 centimeters, that doesn’t mean it’s going to take another four hours to get to 6 centimeters. There’s just no formula or calculation that can predict how long labor will take. Every labor is different. Every body is different. Sometimes things move fast after hours of slow progress, and sometimes they don’t. Contractions can come and go in ways that don’t follow any set pattern.
When I taught, I discouraged “birth math” because when moms start trying to figure out timing and doing mental calculations, they get stuck in their heads. That thinking mode can actually get in the way of the body doing what it needs to do. Instead of tuning in and trusting the process, moms might start worrying or stressing about how long things are taking. That stress and mental chatter can slow things down or make labor harder. Birth needs trust and presence more than anything else.
Staying “out of your head” during labor is important because birth is a physical, emotional, and hormonal process that works best when your body feels safe and relaxed. When your mind is busy calculating or worrying, it can trigger stress hormones like adrenaline. These hormones slow down or stall the release of oxytocin, the hormone that helps your uterus contract and labor progress. Simply put, overthinking can slow labor or make it more uncomfortable.
Here are five tips I always shared with moms to help stay present and out of their heads during labor:
- Use mantras or simple phrases
Repeating reassuring words like “one contraction at a time” or “trust my body” helps redirect your focus from thinking to feeling. - Prepare a birth plan with flexible intentions
Having a general plan written ahead of time reduces the need to make big decisions during labor. Remember it’s a guide, not a rulebook. - Create a calm, low-stimulation environment
Dim lights, soothing music, and familiar comfort items help reduce distractions that might trigger overthinking. - Move your body gently
Swaying, walking, dancing, or changing positions helps your mind engage with your body rather than abstract thoughts. - Have a trusted birth partner and/or doula
Build a team who holds space, understands your wishes, and can take on decision-making and communication with providers so you don’t have to juggle those thoughts yourself.
Looking back, I’m really glad I got to share this with so many moms. Birth is messy, unpredictable, and beautiful. There’s no math to solve... just a powerful journey to be trusted and experienced.
So if you’re expecting or supporting someone who is, remember: no birth math. Just trust the process and the amazing work your body is doing.
Have you ever felt like you’re losing your mind for half the month only to wake up a few days later wondering what just happened?
You’re not alone.
Have you ever sobbed from the depths of your soul, snapped at someone you love, or fantasized about disappearing, only to feel totally fine a week later?
You might be dealing with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD).
PMDD is more than PMS. It’s a severe, hormone-based mood disorder that impacts around 5–10% of menstruating people, though many go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed for years. And if you're also navigating motherhood, postpartum changes, or societal expectations of being a "good mom," PMDD can feel like an absolute tidal wave that keeps dragging you under.
What Is PMDD?
PMDD is a cyclical disorder, meaning symptoms return predictably during the luteal phase (the 1–2 weeks before menstruation). It affects mood, thoughts, and physical well-being in ways that can be destabilizing, especially when misunderstood or minimized.
Common PMDD symptoms:
- Sudden mood shifts or rage
- Suicidal thoughts or feelings of hopelessness
- Extreme sensitivity to rejection
- Panic attacks or anxiety spikes
- Fatigue, brain fog, insomnia
- Difficulty parenting or managing day-to-day tasks
The contrast between who you feel like during your follicular phase (after your period) and your luteal phase can be mind blowing. You may feel like you're two different people, which is terrifying for anyone, but especially for moms already juggling so much.
PMDD, Motherhood, and the Mental Load
For moms, PMDD doesn't exist in a vacuum. You're not just managing your cycle; you're also::
- Taking care of a baby or child
- Often sleep-deprived
- Expected to be emotionally available 24/7
- Navigating feeding, school, or sensory issues
- Shouldering the invisible mental load of family life
This is where PMDD intersects painfully with maternal mental health. It can mimic or worsen postpartum depression, anxiety, and even OCD. Many moms describe “rage,” uncontrollable sobbing, or deep shame that lands like clockwork before their period…and then disappears just as fast, leaving guilt in its place.
And society? It rarely gives you permission to rest, rage, or fall apart. You're expected to smile, meal-plan, and be grateful. But PMDD can make that feel impossible, and you are not weak because of that.
Suicide and PMDD: What Needs to Be Said
It’s critical to name this: suicidal ideation is a common symptom of PMDD. Not because you don’t love your life or your children, but because your brain, during this phase, is impacted by hormonal sensitivity that can distort your thinking and shut down your hope.
If you’ve ever felt like ending your life during this phase, you are not alone, and there is help. The thoughts may feel real, but they are not permanent. Treatments work. Connection helps. Naming it out loud changes everything.
If you or someone you love is having thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please reach out to the 988 Lifeline or a trusted mental health provider.
How a Psychotherapist Can Help – Especially with ACT
As a psychotherapist specializing in maternal mental health, I’ve seen how life-changing therapy can be for PMDD, especially when paired with a compassionate, values-based approach like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).
Here’s how ACT can help:
1. Defusion:
Defusion is a technique used in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), it teaches you how to separate yourself from your thoughts. Instead of “I’m a terrible mom,” we shift to, “I’m having the thought that I’m a terrible mom.” That tiny shift creates space between you and your PMDD brain, making room for self-compassion and grounded choices.
2. Values Clarification:
When everything feels chaotic, ACT brings you back to your core values, the mom, partner, human you want to be. Even when you're not feeling like yourself, you can still act from your values. It’s not about fixing yourself. It’s about anchoring to what matters.
3. Willingness & Self-Compassion:
PMDD hurts. ACT invites us to make room for that pain without judging ourselves for having it. You learn to say, “This is really hard, and I’m still here.” You stop fighting the wave and start surfing it with skill.
4. Committed Action:
We can’t make PMDD disappear overnight, but you can take small, meaningful steps like tracking your cycle, asking for help, setting boundaries, and carving out rest during hard weeks. Action rooted in compassion, not perfection.
What You Can Do Today
- Track Your Cycle: Apps like Me v PMDD or simple journaling can help you connect the dots.
- Build a Luteal Plan: Schedule lighter tasks, ask for help, and prep easy meals when you’re feeling good.
- Talk to a Provider: Psychotherapy, birth control, antidepressants, and lifestyle changes are all on the table.
There’s a popular narrative among the newest generation of mothers:
We are cycle breakers.
We are the ones healing generational wounds, doing the work, making different choices for our children.
We are the ones healing generational wounds, doing the work, making different choices for our children.
And while all of that is true, there’s something we don’t talk about enough, we are not the first.
Our mothers, and their mothers before them, were breaking cycles too. Maybe not the ones we needed, or maybe not as many as we hoped, but they were doing the work in ways that were possible for them. They just didn’t talk about it as much. It wasn’t as acceptable. They didn’t have Instagram posts or podcasts to process their struggles out loud. But if you look closely, you may see the ways they tried.
Maybe your mother left an abusive marriage when divorce was still taboo. Maybe she made sure you got an education because no one encouraged her to pursue one. Maybe she spoke up in ways her own mother never dared to. Maybe she was softer than her parents were to her, even if she still carried rough edges.
And here’s the truth: we could not break the cycles we are breaking now if they had not broken cycles first. We are standing on their shoulders, reaching for what they could not. Every change they made, every small rebellion, made it possible for us to go further. Maybe they didn’t get as far as we needed them to, but they moved the needle. Without their courage, without the cracks they made in the foundation, we wouldn’t have the space to break the cycles we are breaking today.
No mother is perfect. No generation will heal everything. But progress doesn’t happen in one sweeping linear motion, it happens step by step, over time, passed down through the hands of imperfect mothers doing their best.
You will break cycles. Your children will break even more. And in 30 years, I hope they look back at your parenting with both gratitude and critique, just as you do now. Our hope is that they do so with empathy, with an understanding that we were standing on the shoulders of the women who came before us, doing what we could with what we had.
Parenting is hard. We will make mistakes. But if we can see our mothers with more compassion, we model for our children how to do the same. We show them that healing isn’t about perfection...it’s about progress, generation by generation.
Becoming a mother is one of the most profound identity shifts a person can experience. It brings joy, exhaustion, love, and often, a deep emotional upheaval. Many new moms seek therapy to help navigate this transition, but those who turn to general mental health professionals, rather than perinatal experts, often leave feeling unseen and unsupported.
So why do so many postpartum moms feel let down by therapy? In my 25+ years of working with mothers this is what I have learned.
Therapists Didn’t Understand Matrescence
Matrescence is the developmental transition into motherhood. It's as significant as adolescence (read about it in my previous blog here), yet few therapists are trained in it, or even know what it is!! Many moms found that when they tried to express grief over their old life, the loss of personal freedom, or their changing identity, they were met with blank stares or surface-level reassurances like, “It’ll get better soon.”
Their Postpartum Anxiety or Depression Was Minimized
For moms experiencing postpartum mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs), therapy should be a place of validation and support. Instead, many were told their intrusive thoughts were just “normal new mom worries,” or that their struggles were just due to sleep deprivation. This led some to shut down, feeling unsafe to share their most distressing emotions.
Intrusive (scary) Thoughts Were Misunderstood and Treated as an Emergency
One of the most common symptoms of postpartum anxiety and OCD is intrusive thoughts, unwanted, distressing images or fears, often about harm coming to the baby. Many moms who bravely opened up about these thoughts in therapy were met with alarm instead of reassurance. Some were unnecessarily reported for safety concerns or urged into interventions that didn’t match their actual risk level. Stories of this lack of understanding led many to suffer in silence, afraid that seeking help would result in judgment or even separation from their child. (FYI: intrusive thoughts are not the same as psychosis)
Birth Trauma Was Overlooked
Birth experiences shape the postpartum period, yet many therapists dismissed difficult or traumatic births with phrases like, “At least you and the baby are healthy.” Moms struggling with medical trauma, emergency interventions, or NICU stays often felt their pain was minimized rather than processed in a meaningful way.
The Advice Felt Out of Touch
Self-care is important, but when a therapist suggests “taking a break” or “practicing mindfulness” without acknowledging the mental load of parenting, it feels unrealistic. Many new moms were told to “just ask for help,” without any recognition that finding support, especially in a culture that doesn’t prioritize postpartum care, is not always simple.
Relationship and Role Shifts Were Ignored
Motherhood changes everything—including relationships with partners, friends, and family. Yet, many therapists focused only on individual emotions rather than helping parents navigate shifting dynamics, resentment, or the loss of connection with their pre-baby life.
There Was a Lack of Knowledge About Breastfeeding and Infant Sleep
Sleep deprivation and feeding struggles are some of the biggest stressors postpartum, yet many therapists weren’t equipped to address them. Moms were often told, “Just stop breastfeeding if it’s stressing you out,” or given sleep advice that didn’t align with biologically normal infant behavior.
Therapy Didn’t Include Practical or Community Support
New parents need more than just talk therapy—they need tangible support. Perinatal experts often recommend local mom groups, postpartum doulas, lactation consultants, and pelvic floor therapy. But many general therapists didn’t offer these resources, leaving parents feeling isolated.
Postpartum Was Treated as a Short Phase
Many moms reported that their therapists assumed postpartum struggles ended at six weeks (when medical care also tends to drop off) or at three months, even though research shows PMADs and identity shifts can last well beyond the first year.
The Difference a Perinatal Expert Makes
A therapist trained in perinatal mental health understands the complexities of matrescence, PMADs, birth trauma, and the daily realities of early motherhood. They provide validation, nuanced support, and practical solutions tailored to the postpartum experience.
Perinatal experts are deeply connected to local resources that support both postpartum and prenatal mothers. They can guide you toward medical providers, birth and postpartum doulas, childbirth education classes, pelvic floor care, lactation resources, and other essential services that set the foundation for a supported transition into motherhood.
If you or someone you know is struggling postpartum, seeking out a perinatal mental health expert can make all the difference. You deserve to be seen, heard, and supported in this transition, Mother Rising can help.
