Does your Toddler Act Mean Towards You? It's Not Personal, It's Developmental.
In this blog post, I'll explore some of the themes I see as a maternal mental health therapist, some of the reasons why you may be seeing this play out in your home, the importance of not taking a toddler's behavior personally and provide some tips on how to react in a constructive way. Additionally, we'll discuss how to recognize if your own childhood experiences are being triggered by your child's behavior.
Why are they taking it out on ME?
Toddlers typically form strong attachment bonds with their primary caregivers, which are often mothers. This strong bond is the result of the time spent together, the nurturing care provided, and the emotional connection established. Consequently, when toddlers experience strong emotions or frustrations, they are more likely to express these feelings with the person they are most attached to, which is usually the primary caregiver.
For toddlers, their primary caregiver represents a source of comfort and security. When they are upset or distressed, they instinctively turn to the person they trust the most for consolation and support. This means that the caregiver, often the mother, becomes the safe haven where the child feels secure in expressing their emotions, whether positive or negative.
Toddlers thrive on routine and familiarity. The primary caregiver is usually the one who spends the most time with the child, knows their routine, and understands their needs. When the child's routine is disrupted or when they face new and potentially overwhelming situations, they may react emotionally, and their primary caregiver is the one they turn to for reassurance and stability.
Toddlers, especially those who are still developing their language skills, rely heavily on nonverbal communication. This can involve gestures, body language, and facial expressions. Caregivers who have spent more time with the child are often more attuned to these nonverbal cues and can respond effectively. As a result, the toddler may naturally gravitate towards their primary caregiver to express their needs and emotions.
Understand Toddler Brains
First and foremost, it's crucial to understand that toddler behavior is primarily driven by their stage of development. Toddlers are at a stage of rapid brain development. Their brains are like sponges, soaking up information and experiences at an astonishing rate. Here are some key points to consider:
- Prefrontal Cortex: The prefrontal cortex, responsible for executive functions such as impulse control and emotional regulation, is still developing. This means that toddlers struggle with managing their emotions, impulses, and reactions.
- Mirror Neurons: Toddlers are highly influenced by the emotions and behaviors of those around them. Mirror neurons in their brains make them very receptive to your emotional cues. This is why your calm and patient demeanor can positively impact their behavior.
- Limited Attention Span: A toddler's attention span is short, so they may quickly lose interest or become frustrated. This is entirely normal and not a reflection of your parenting skills.
- Toddlers are exploring their independence, discovering boundaries, and testing limits. They lack the emotional regulation and communication skills of older children and adults. Therefore, their actions are not a reflection of your parenting or a personal attack; it's simply a part of their growth process.
Some Tips to Manage this Phase
Communicate Effectively
Since toddlers have limited language skills, they often express themselves through actions rather than words. Encourage healthy communication by using simple and clear language. Explain what's happening, how it makes them feel, and what you expect from them. By doing so, you can help them develop better communication skills and reduce frustration.
Practice Patience
It's easier said than done, but patience is a key virtue in parenting. Remember that your toddler's behavior is often a response to frustration, discomfort, or a lack of understanding. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that this phase is temporary. Stay calm and composed, which will serve as a positive example for your child. Remember it’s practice, it takes work.
Self-Reflection
As parents, it's essential to be aware of our own triggers. Our childhood experiences, whether positive or negative, can influence how we react to our own children. Take the time to reflect on your upbringing and identify any emotional triggers that might be causing you to take your toddler's behavior personally.
Do you have any unresolved childhood emotions or trauma? The role of a parent can bring up past experiences and emotions. Here are a few common ways your childhood might show up in your parenting:
- Unresolved Childhood Emotions: You may find yourself reliving aspects of your own upbringing as you navigate the challenges and joys of parenthood. This can include feelings related to your own parents, siblings, and upbringing, both positive and negative.
- Reenactment: Sometimes, parents unconsciously reenact their own childhood experiences with their children. This can be a way of trying to correct or recreate situations that they found challenging or fulfilling in their own upbringing. For example, if you had a distant or absent parent, you might strive to be an extremely present and attentive parent, or you might inadvertently replicate the same behavior you experienced.
- Emotional Triggers: Parenting can bring out emotional triggers that you may not have been aware of before. For instance, if you experienced a traumatic event in your own childhood, witnessing a similar situation with your own child can trigger intense emotions and stress. These emotions may resurface in unexpected and overwhelming ways.
- Expectations and Pressure: The pressure to be a perfect parent or to avoid repeating the mistakes of your own parents can create unrealistic expectations. These expectations can lead to feelings of inadequacy and guilt when you don't live up to them.
- Attachment and Separation: The attachment and separation phases of a child's development can trigger parental emotions and experiences. For example, when your child starts school or spends more time away from you, it may bring up feelings of abandonment or separation anxiety from your own childhood.
Reframe Your Perspective
To avoid taking your toddler's behavior personally, try to reframe your perspective. Instead of interpreting their tantrums or defiance as a sign of disobedience or a personal affront, see them as opportunities for growth and learning. View these moments as a chance to teach your child about emotions, boundaries, and appropriate behavior.
Seek Support and Self-Care
Sharing your experiences and concerns with other parents can be a tremendous source of support and perspective. Join parenting groups, both online and in person, where you can discuss your challenges and learn from others who have been in similar situations.
Talk to a therapist or counselor who can help you work through these emotions if they become overwhelming.
Don’t forget to prioritize self-care to maintain your emotional well-being, which will in turn help you be a more patient and understanding parent.
If you are reading this, you are already doing a good job!
You are self-aware and looking to grow! Will you make mistakes? You betcha! We all do! Mistakes are opportunities for growth, learning, and resilience. They can lead to stronger family relationships and provide children with valuable life lessons. It's important for parents to embrace their imperfections and focus on being the best parents they can be rather than striving for unattainable perfection. As you foster a healthy and supportive environment for your toddler, you'll both grow and learn together on this parenting journey.
You've got this & certainly are not alone.
You've got this & certainly are not alone.
In today's fast-paced and often unpredictable world, resilience has become a highly sought-after quality. It enables individuals to bounce back from adversity, navigate challenges with ease, and maintain a positive outlook. While resilience is a complex trait influenced by various factors, research suggests that incorporating gratitude practice into our lives can enhance resilience and foster a greater sense of well-being.
Learning to practice gratitude is a form of mindfulness. When we practice mindfulness, our world tends to slow down and we can be more intentional which also helps to build resilience.
Let’s take a look at how gratitude and resilience go hand in hand.
1. Enhancing Positive Emotions:
Numerous studies have shown that practicing gratitude can significantly increase positive emotions. Emotions such as joy, happiness, and contentment have been linked to higher resilience levels. When we express gratitude, whether by keeping a gratitude journal or regularly expressing appreciation to others, it trains our minds to focus on the positive aspects of life. This, in turn, helps us cope more effectively during tough times and bounce back from setbacks.
2. Shifting Perspective:
One of the key components of resilience is the ability to reframe, adapt, and find new meaning in challenging situations. Gratitude practice encourages individuals to shift their perspective from dwelling on what is lacking or going wrong to what is present and going right. By consciously acknowledging and appreciating even the smallest blessings, we train our brains to seek out opportunities, solutions, and lessons amidst adversity. This resilience-building mindset helps us navigate adversity with optimism and self-assurance.
3. Fostering Social Support:
Relationships play a crucial role in resilience, as having a strong support system can help mitigate the negative effects of stress. Gratitude practice not only enhances our own well-being but also fosters positive social connections. When we express gratitude towards others, we strengthen our relationships and build a sense of community. The social support we receive during challenging times can be a powerful buffer against stress, enhancing our ability to bounce back and grow from adversity.
4. Promoting Self-Reflection and Personal Growth:
Gratitude practice involves reflection on one's own experiences, accomplishments, and the people who have influenced our lives positively. This reflective process not only strengthens our self-awareness but also promotes personal growth. Acknowledging how far we have come, the lessons we have learned, and the strengths we possess empowers us to face challenges head-on. By using gratitude as a catalyst for self-improvement, we can develop a growth mindset that allows us to adapt and thrive in the face of adversity.
Incorporating gratitude practice into our daily lives can have a transformative effect on our resilience. By cultivating positive emotions, shifting perspective, fostering social support, and promoting personal growth, gratitude acts as a powerful resilience-building tool. Whether through keeping a gratitude journal, practicing mindfulness, or expressing appreciation to others, we can harness the profound benefits of gratitude to strengthen our ability to bounce back from setbacks, thrive under pressure, and live a more resilient and fulfilling life. So, let us start cultivating gratitude today and unleash its incredible power to shape our resilience and well-being.
Shauna’s top 5 easy ways to practice gratitude in your daily life:
📔Keep a Gratitude Journal: Set aside a few minutes each day to write down things you’re thankful for. It could be as simple as the weather, a good meal, or a supportive friend.
🙏Express Thanks: Take the time to express gratitude to people in your life. Write a thank-you note, send a text, or simply say “thank you” to someone who has helped or supported you.
💗 Mindful Moments: During your day, pause and appreciate the small moments, like the beauty of nature, a smile from a stranger, the way your children are playing together and growing, or a peaceful moment. Be fully present and savor these experiences. A good way to identify some of these if it’s hard for you might be to look for things you want to take a picture of or capture to save.
3️⃣Three Good Things: Each evening, reflect on three positive things that happened during the day. This practice can shift your focus to the positive aspects of your life.
🥾Gratitude Walk: While walking, take time to think about the things you’re grateful for or just admire the beauty of nature and how it connects us all as humans. It combines the benefits of physical activity with mindfulness and gratitude.
Matrescence Unveiled:
What is it? And Why it’s Reminiscent of Middle School
Becoming a mother is quite an adventure filled with wonder and transformation. As you embark on this remarkable journey, you might realize you are changing quite a bit. Not just your growing belly, but in a lot of other ways too. Have you heard the term "matrescence"?
What exactly is matrescence and how does it relate to your experience as a new mother? In this blog post, I’ll dive into the origin of the term, explore its meaning, and draw a compelling comparison to adolescence to help you better understand and navigate this season of your life.
The Origin of Matrescence
The term "matrescence" traces its roots back to anthropologist Dana Raphael, who coined it in the 1970s......
Read more...
The first time I ever had to take one of my children to the dentist for a cavity I was kind of freaking out. As she sat there I used all of my Doula skills to keep her (and myself) calm and distracted.
Just before the dentist put the needle into her gums she said to my daughter "I'm going to use this to make your gums really really cold, let me know if it's too cold." She proceeded to give her the shot, and to my surprise my daughter didn't even wince! When the dentist pulled the needle out of my daughter's mouth she looked at the dentist and said "Boy that WAS really cold!" She wasn't afraid, no one told her to be.
What in the world does this have to do with birth?!
When I say the word “birth” what's one word that comes to mind? I start all of my childbirth education classes by asking that question. As you can imagine, most of the answers are related to pain and fear.
When I say the word “birth” what's one word that comes to mind? I start all of my childbirth education classes by asking that question. As you can imagine, most of the answers are related to pain and fear.
Painful.
Pain.
Hurts.
Ouch.
Long.
Scary.
Gross.
Messy.
Smelly.
This is not to say that I don't get some answers that put birth in a positive light.
Miraculous.
Beautiful.
Exciting.
In general women don't look forward to their labor and delivery they just look forward to the baby. A lot of women are downright terrified! I've even heard "I wish I could just be knocked out like in the 50s and wake up to my baby lying next to me."
Why are we so afraid? We say things like "It can't be that bad, women have been doing it for thousands of years!" Yet we're still scared. It's our birth culture. It's the way we talk about birth. It's the way birth is portrayed in the media and talked about among women. Think about it...
Were you told scary stories during pregnancy by your friends and family? It happens all the time! In the words of Ina May Gaskin on the topic, it's just "bad manners".
Why does our culture do this to women?!
Why do women with easy, fast, simple, or beautiful births feel like they are bragging if they share their birth story?
Why do we shame or roll our eyes at a woman that says she wants a natural birth or a woman who says she enjoyed labor or is looking forward to her birth experience!?
So back to the dentist, what did that story have to do with birth?
I wholeheartedly believe that if we didn't tell women horror stories going into birth that they could go into it with an open mind and an open heart. They could experience the sensations for themselves and call them what they would like.
Much like the dentist referred to the needle as cold instead of as painful or pinching, maybe mothers would refer to childbirth as miraculous, beautiful, and exciting instead of painful. What if you weren't afraid of birth! What if no one told you to be?
You can make a change for yourself and for all women! Let's change our birth culture!
You can make a change for yourself and for all women! Let's change our birth culture!
Seek out positive birth stories! Share your beautiful experiences without fear of making someone else "feel bad"! Ask others to hold onto their tough birth stories for after you have your own experience.
Now, this is not to say if you have an experience you need to process through you should keep it to yourself, you absolutely deserve space for that. Other pregnant women should not be your dumping grounds. A non-pregnant friend, your mom, a therapist, or your doula would be more appropriate.
If you are past your childbearing years, not planning to birth again, or choosing not to be a mother , lend your ear to those who might need to share or process their story. Holding the space for women to tell birth stories is an important job.
Mother Rising Birth Story Circle will be returning soon. ALL stories are welcome. New and old. We recognize not every birth story goes as planned and that there will be pregnant women in attendance. We encourage pregnant women to attend and learn with the freedom to excuse themselves unapologetically if a story might induce fear or worry. We encourage every kind of story to be shared as we are a community of women who will hold that space for you.
I hope to see you there.
-Shauna